


The Power Of Rook

by Littlebiscuits



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 06:27:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14928954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlebiscuits/pseuds/Littlebiscuits
Summary: In which the Deputy makes the resistance their own recruitment video.





	The Power Of Rook

"The camera's rolling now," Grace tells him. 

Rook walks into frame, where they've set up a little garden party set with lawn chairs and coolers. He's found a full length coat in one of the lockers, and some sunglasses which he's shoved up into his hair. 

"Hello everybody, I'm Deputy Rook." Rook presses his hands together and slows his pace. "You may have heard of me. I've been blowing stuff up all over the county. You might have shot at me, or saw me zipline past you, or maybe I flew a plane over you at some point. And if I accidentally strafed your men, or ransacked your outpost, and didn't stop to say hello, well I would like to apologise for that now."

"Though we're not giving the stuff back," Jess offers from somewhere off-camera.

Rook nods and smiles.

"We're not giving the stuff back. We're considering it a donation to our cause now." 

He starts walking slowly to the right, so Grace can follow him.

"I thought I'd take the time out of my busy schedule to have a chat with you about a little something I call 'The Resistance.'" Rook spreads his arms, though there's no giant sign for him to look dramatic under. Hurk had wanted to make one but none of them had the right skill set. Everyone does clap though, which is nice.

Rook continues slowly walking. There are fake peggies stood by the wall of the house behind him, played by Mary May and Dave. They're both wearing pale, shapeless jumpers, and have both gone overboard using brown wool for extra hair. Rook sets his hand on their shoulders as he passes, smiles and nods at them.

"We would like to personally welcome you to the Resistance. Don't be afraid. Everyone is welcome. Though you've probably heard things about us, bad things, things which are difficult to accept. You've been told that we're all _sinners_."

The fake peggies in the background boo at him enthusiastically.

"I'm here to tell you that that's absolutely true. I've checked the list of things you consider a sin, and sadly that seems to be everything."

Rook shrugs helplessly. Because he had checked the list. Eden's Gate is very thorough.

"That's a lot of stuff to be forgiven for, and we'll admit, sometimes we do need it. But luckily our forgiveness comes with emotional support, understanding and lemonade. Not sharp objects, mind-altering drugs and condemnation. When you're a member of the Resistance you can have that lemonade. Or you can even stop off in the bar and have a beer, that's fine too. Though if you drive afterwards, I will arrest you, because I'm a Deputy, and we have laws."

There are more boos from the crowd.

"Don't boo the laws," Rook says seriously, and shakes his head at them. "Without laws we'd be living in an apocalyptic wasteland. Do you want to live in an apocalyptic wasteland? No. Because no one wants that. You think you do, because it always looks cool on TV. But no one showers after the apocalypse, no one showers and there are no streaming services. You won't like it."

"Also there are zombies," Nick adds from the left.

Rook nods grimly in agreement, because it's true, there are often zombies as well.

He comes a little closer to the camera, lets a few of the Resistance member extras (played by amused bar patrons) hug him and say his name in an adoring way. 

"We don't promise to show you the direct path to God, we don't pretend to know what God wants. Because he's big and mysterious, so we leave all those questions to other people. Though Pastor Jerome assures me that God doesn't like it when you murder people, and I believe him. So we've been trying very hard not to do that."

Rook gets to Nick, who's playing a peggie as well. Though he's really just taken off his hat and glasses, and then rubbed some dirt on himself. Rook pats him supportively on both shoulders.

"We'd like to work you through any issues you might have with us, with as little shooting and property damage as we can. Because at the Resistance we don't deal with our childhood trauma by cutting off people's skin, or nailing anyone to a tree. We think that sends the wrong message. That says 'I'm a crazy person who has issues with self-control,' and that's not a productive way to relate to our members. Our members are important to us."

Jess moves into frame next, she's holding a peggie being played Hurk, he's stuck brown wool over the entire lower half of his face to help him get into character. Rook curls his arm around him, hand flat on his chest

"Also, at the resistance we're willing to be honest about the fact that we're touching you suggestively." Rook's hand slowly slides up to curl around Hurk's neck, sliding there indulgently. Hurk makes a gurgling noise in his throat. "Because in the Resistance we believe that if you have sexual thoughts and you find someone amenable to your sexual thoughts. Then you should make that person feel good, to the best of your abilities, until you're both satisfied." Rook smiles and pauses, because Grace told him to add some dramatic tension. "Or you could both just fuck, desperately and selfishly, like your lives depend on it."

Rook's hand slowly tightens around Hurk's throat, making him squeak, and there's a sound like someone is worried about getting an adult rating.

"And if you're a sexual sadist maybe you could find someone who's kind of into that. Or get someone to tie you up. I suggest using 'artichoke' as a safeword, because it's both a fun word, and also kind of sexy."

Mary May laughs her fake beard off and then gets confused trying to put it back on again.

Rook tries to squash his face into something serious again as he moves on. It's becoming a lot more difficult.

"I know you've been told that sex is a sin. I understand, you're conflicted, you don't know what to believe. You don't want to be punished, you don't want to have to atone, that's not a good time. But you're a sexual person. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be _touched_. And if you want me to touch you, all you have to do is ask."

"I'm pretty sure I want to be touched right now," Sharky murmurs from somewhere in the background.

"I've seen you watching me." Rook stops and nods towards the camera. "I know you've been trying to get my attention. I've heard all your flirtatious radio messages. Your suggestive threats. The warm promises to take it out on my skin. I want you to know that I'm ok with that. Because I'm a Resistance member, and I'm totally allowed to touch myself and think about you."

Someone's laughing behind him, and someone else is trying not to.

Grace zooms in on his face.

"And I will," Rook promises.

Grace cuts to black, then dips the camera down. She gives him an ok sign.

"God, I needed that, that was fun," Mary May says, gently tugging her beard off.

"Best recruitment video," Jess decides, flopping down on one of the lawn chairs. "People would have signed up in fucking droves."

"Were we trying to get them off?" Hurk wonders. "Because that was way dirtier than I thought it would be." He seems to have stuck his fake beard on a little too well.

"We should actually broadcast that shit," Nick says, still half laughing. He's cracking open beers for everyone.

"John Seed would fucking kill you," Grace says firmly.

"Almost worth it anyway," Rook says. He thinks he's keeping the jacket, he kind of likes it.


End file.
